“Have you gained some weight?”

Last night I watched a program on TLC called “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”. It’s a documentary-style show on women who mysteriously gave birth in toilets or restaurants or in the office copy room with apparently just a little indigestion and a popping sound.

What. The……?

So I’m thinking of my experiences being pregnant. I’m also thinking of the experiences of nearly every other woman I know who has been pregnant. I have no doubt that these women’s stories are true, but I just don’t get it.

First, they all delivered full term babies over 7 lbs 5 oz. I direct you to the  picture on the right (32 weeks ish… still lots of protrusion to go). My child was 7 lbs 15 oz. Not much bigger. How does that NOT show?? I looked like a friggin hippo! And these were not women with alot of extra padding on them under which baby could be disguised. Many of them were my size, or maybe a couple of sizes bigger, tops. I just don’t get it.

And each of them just popped them out with a quick little push on the toilet. REALLY?? Because I quite distinctly remember 4.5 hours of blood-vessel-popping, full body effort to finally get my kid out with the help of a vacuum device.

Then, the symptoms. OK, so not everyone pukes their guts out every day for 4 months, and some are lucky enough to have few, if any symptoms, but don’t you notice … something? Anything? Of ALL the unpleasantries that can occur with this (fortunate or unfortunate) state, they happened to also notice NONE? They were all blessed with a no-show belly monster, very little weight gain, no morning sickness, nausea, fatigue, ligament stretching, bleeding, flutters in the stomach? When my kid got to be around 20 weeks, she started kicking the crap out of me on an hourly basis. None of that?? Really?

I just don’t get it. Maybe if I just try and ignore Version 2.0 I can will myself not to get any bigger and when the time comes, I will just plop it out in the gymnasium during playgroup, and we’ll be done with it.

Given that I figure I’ve got one more week in my normal pants, I somehow think I won’t be so fortunate.